I feel so anxious lately. Not in the mild-stomach-tingling kinda way but in the I-have-to-leave-class-early-because-what-if-the-house-is-on-fire kinda way and let me tell you: anxiety is anything but nice.
Entire films are being plotted in my head when I’m on the train I swear there’s all kinds of people right there altogether which is just like some kind of creative explosion. You see these bankers in their suits and their perfectly arranged hair next to people dressed in baggy pants and mismatched clothes holding half empty bottles of beer and laughing too loudly — completely different realities colliding under the same roof. And for a moment you all have the same relevancy. You’re just another person on the train, all under the same rules. All must pay the same tickets, share the same seats. It doesn’t really matter where you come from or where you’re going. It’s like a state of constant flux, like putting the frenzy in hold. Being alive is incredible
today I managed to go to the doctor and then to the pharmacy to buy the meds the doctor prescribed all by MYSELF in freakin GERMANY now where’s my cookie I have earned it
how are people all around so talented like I remember last weekend when I was in the train from frankfurt to utrecht there was this really tall, scandinavian-looking boy sitting opposite of me and I couldn’t take my eyes off him —even though I was trying my hardest to be discrete— because there was something in the delicate simplicity of his clothes and the coldness of his features while he was drawing all the landscapes we saw. he was all ice with white blonde hair, incredibly pale skin and angular features. I was all small and strange and myself, which is not much. And there he was, really good looking and intimidating, partly because of the aforementioned and partly because his drawings were so good and he was so immersed in it.
And my chest felt so very tight. It’s like you can feel how certain people substract themselves from reality and into what they see. And you want to be a part of it too… but I am always so worried of what people think of me. And that’s the thing: he was so unapologetically who he was his sole presence was a work of art.